I know it's been a while. I really haven't had much to say. I have been doing a lot of thinking though. Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is relationships, (romantic or otherwise). Not just relationships, but my relationships with people. I have never ever been someone to build up close friendships. I have never had a friend that I would share deep secrets with. I just didn't like that. I don't know where it stemmed from. A lot of times I like to say it is because my family life was a bit bad or because we moved so many times and I had to make new friends constantly. I am not sure that this is the case, but it is a great excuse. My dad used to tell me that when I was a baby, I did not like to be held. The only time that I would not push away was when I was sick. Then I would be super cuddly. I guess that has never really changed. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE to cuddle, but when it comes to hugs, I nearly freeze up when people hug me. When I went to Cumberland, the place was all hugs, so I kind of got a bit better at it. Now why wouldn't I want to hug people? Even close friends? I have no freakin clue... The other night, I went out to eat with Josh and Tyannanana. I took Catholic Brian a long. It was the first time they got to meet him. When we left, Brian gave Tyana a hug. I then thought to myself...he doesn't even know her and hugged her, and I never have. She would be someone I would consider a close friend. I don't know. Even more than the hugging, I like to keep my self distant from people. I am a huge people person and have tons of people I can call up to hang out with, I just keep people distant in an emotional sense. I don't really let people know what I am thinking or feeling really. I like that...it keeps you safe. Nobody knows your problems. The issue gets bigger...this even gets in the way when it comes to relationships with guys. I was what I would call a three week girl. Most guys don't ever make it past the three week mark. I am constantly searching for something wrong with them, and after three weeks I seem to find the problem. During freshman, sophmore year of college, the issue used to be that they were not Brian (triv-daddy) ...I am passed that. Still, I look for things. Brian (T) is the only one I have ever let myself get close to. I think it is because we had a decent friendship before hand. I am glad that I still would be able to talk to Brian about anything. K..moving on... wow this post is a huge look in my mind most people never get. So...now on to what I have been thinking about. Like I said, it is relationships (romantic or otherwise). I had a great conversation with C. Brian about this the other night. It was a kind of odd conversation, but we are good at that. We were talking about love. What is love? (baby don't hurt me..) ok..sorry about that :) . No seriously... I think I have huge huge issues with it. I don't know why. I think this why I push guys away like crazy. I don't want to get close. I don't want to be hurt. I am very very cautious when it comes to dating people...and I really like to be able to build a friendship first. I think that is important. I am glad that I just don't think I fall in love all the time because that could be a little emotionally taxing. Wow, I really have no clue where this post is going. I guess I am saying I wish I could love. I mean really love...put myself out there..be vunerable... It could be a rewarding experience. People would be super surprised I believe. Man..if i just went up to Tyana and gave her a super big hug..I don't know if she would know what to do. Ha..maybe I will do an experiment. If I went up to a friend and just started bearing my soul and crying...you know actually looking for a shoulder to cry on..or even let someone use me without freezing up..it could get crazy. Anyway...that is about all I have to say..I don't really have a way to resolve the problem. I guess just keep working on it...maybe let my guard down a bit. In some cases I have...people like C. Brian have seen me cry way too freakin much..I don't know what my deal is. Must be the onions :) Maybe I will write more on this later...I am interested in seeing your comments. Everybody can be my psychologist or something...
Later!
12 comments:
Love is a quite an emotion. But my favorite thing about love is that it displays beautifully the shortcomings of the English language (and probably others...). True love is ineffable. But I can't say you're wrong to guard yourself. I have a friend (we'll call them Jill) who wears her heart on her sleeve, and it IS emotionally taxing because it's constantly getting kicked around. And not just for her, because then her friends have to deal with an upset, or hurt, or angry, or generally emotionally unstable friend. She claims it's the only way to live. Screw that, you throw up a thousand shots one's bound to go in, right. And it might not be a good one. However, if you keep your guard up, you wait for that one perfect one, that one you can't help but take, and you know it's quality. So keeping your guard up is cool w/ relationships; it seems logically sound.
Love with friends is a different story... and should be a different word with similar meaning. Some people just aren't fond of physical contact. I've got another friend who doesn't like having their hair/face touched. By anyone, anytime, period. Except maybe a doctor, they're kind of a germaphobe. I remember thinking the same thing as you in high school, I didn't hug people. I didn't like being hugged. Hell I didn't even like being touched, playfully poked or whatever, unless it was a family member. I guess it keeps people at a distance, and you wait for the one the you don't mind so much or something. I dunno, I think it's a silly thing to worry about, whether or not you hug someone. Though I did it at one point too, so I'll see if I can help you. I guess just think about what that person means to you... sit down and reflect how much you do truly care about people in your life. Think, if you never got to talk to them again or saw them again, how bad would that suck. I dunno, I'll keep thinking on it. Just know that you're not a freak for not hugging people.
Get to know yourself and how wonderful you are, we already know :)
Be your own person, our cultural norms are FAR from normal, ignore them and be happy!
All the answers you seek will come to you in time. Patience.
-thom
I dont think it is a big deal that I don't hug people. It is the whole letting myself go..maybe becoming more open thing..
Note: I am happy with myself. I mean...look how hot I am. Ha..Just kidding..no seriously..I think that I have a VERY healthy self image. I like who I am...I'm fun..I am outgoing..I am smart...on and on... problem is..I don't let people come to me with problems much..and I don't go to people..
i could dig it, yo!
Love is an act of the will. Sometimes you just have to do things that are not easy. Look at Christ on the cross. The whole reason he was up there and stayed up there until he died was love and compassions for humans.
I don't really know what I am getting at, except that loving someone does not always give you warm fuzzies, I guess.
JB
It's amazing what I can stumble on to when I'm just clicking around on the web, and here is one of those places where deep introspection occurs. Very cool, indeed.
I can sympathize with your point of view. I'm not a very touchy-feely person, myself. I have never been into the whole public display of affection thing for the simple matter that my own opinion is that affection is a very personal, very private thing. Granted, I'm an [reformed] introvert by nature, so doing all of the bubbly things that extroverts do (like public displays of affection) just isn't my bag. I look at such things as being an experience that I want to only share with the target audience only. That is, to do something like show affection in front of a bunch of even close friends when the affection isn't intended for all parties in attendance, to me, seems rather showy and somehow not as sincere. Some feelings I don't mind wearing my heart on my sleeve, while other more personal feelings are just that--personal. And feelings that I hold toward specific individuals I only share with those specific individuals because I am, by nature, a private person, and also, to me, those feelings for those specific individuals tend to have more power and more meaning when delivered only to those individuals.
Not being overly public about your personal problems, desires, goals, and otherwise indicates to me that you are an introvert (or a reformed introvert) like myself. So you handle your own problems and take care of your own baggage and don't tolerate/deal with others' problems doesn't necessarily mean you have trust issues, relationship problems, or are otherwise anti-social. It may be a problem if you find someone out there who can't handle the fact that you are your own person and can take care of yourself, or if they are constantly coming at you with their problems, asking you to solve them. You'll just have to watch who you eventually pair yourself up with to make sure that they are comfortable with you and your personality just as much as you are comfortable with them and their personality.
I'm not a psychologist by any stretch of the imagination; just a dude that likes to think and chat. This is just my opinion, take it or leave it. Hopefully, my own experience lends you to figuring out some things about yours.
-Dok
J.B....it's the mushy parts of love I can handle.
Dok...I consider myself a extrovert..it's the trust/relationship issues I have
I've always wondered why "out going" is included in the list of things required for a healthy self-image.
Like I said over at my place, I think that we are afraid of each other. I think the touching thing is a little different with people that suffer from some level of hypochondriasis. Some people that I have known that have had trust issues didn't like to be touched either. They were very protective of their personal space and considered it a violation of their person if someone touched them uninvited. I have no idea if this is the case with you.
I'm more the sort of person to wear my heart on my sleeve and be vulnerable a lot. I've changed to be a bit more careful over the years. It's true that your emotions get kicked around a lot. But I don't think I would trade one heartache for any of the chances that I've been able to connect with somebody and share life with them.
As for love, I'm not sure what it is. I think it is more than a feeling, but that it can involve feelings. I tend to think of it more as an action. A direct attempt to undertand someone and empathize with them and do what you can to help them and accept them.
I don't have any good advice or Psycho-analysis for you, but when I'm feeling very confused about life I like to pick up a book. A good writer can make sense of our worlds. I would recommend Barbara Kingsolvers "Animal Dreams". Fabulous book.
Thanks Adam...good stuff.
You hug me, a lot!!!
Ha...yeah Matt..I know. It's because you are hot..haha.. wait..
Cumberland was a really huggy place. Everybody hugged everybody. It made me into a hugger with the Cumberland peeps...I came back to Indiana and stopped hugging.
you make me laugh.
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